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March 1, 2012
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"Why not?" Rika shouted, anger clear in her voice. Her arms were crossed over her chest and her black attire, complete with a small black ribbon on her head, a beautifully intricate lacy black dress, and knee-high black boots, only helped accentuate the dark cloud of menace that surrounded her.

Meeting her glare head on, Kaede's icy cold stare showed no response to her childish anger. "Give it a rest Rika. Why would I ever want to buy you chocolates? For something as disgusting as Valentine's Day too. It's a human holiday; why are you so insistent on celebrating it?"

"Because it's for us, as in you and me." She hissed, turning her head to the side as she broke off eye contact with Kaede. She had never been able to hold his gaze for too long without looking away; there was always something in those deep emerald eyes that whispered at you to walk away, to run, or to hide in fear of him. She shuddered involuntarily as she looked around the dark alley.

With only a single street lamp at the edge of the street, the place where they were standing wasn't very bright. After Rika's insistence on having a "serious talk", she had dragged a reluctant Kaede to an alley with a dead end, cut off by a solid brick wall that was covered with bright colours and graffiti words. Leaning against the spray painted wall, Rika had presented her case, which was of "utmost importance" to her, but actually just a nuisance for Kaede.

"There is no us." Kaede snapped, his harsh words pulling Rika out of her daze. The finality of his words hurt Rika, and before she had a chance to say anything, Kaede turned around and began to walk away.

"Wait!" She cried, reaching out to grab his arm. "I ―"

Before her hand touched him, his arm became a blur and suddenly, he had a firm grip on her wrist, effectively preventing it from holding onto him. "Stop it, Rika." Kaede said, his voice deepening just little, making it sound like an order. "Go find Hibiki if you're looking for some chocolates to receive."

With a last look of warning, he let go of her hand and stepped back, only to be embraced by the darkness as he disappeared into the shadows.

Stunned, Rika's eyes were still concentrated on where Kaede last stood until her arms dropped to her sides and her hands curled into fists. Hurt was replaced by resentment, and she quickly wiped away the water in her eyes.

"Fine!" She mumbled, turning around to face the end of the alley. "If that's the way you want it, then that's how you'll get it."

Leaving those last bitter words to hang in the air, she walked straight to the wall, and vanished into the darkness.

──────────────────☆★☆──────────────────

In the end, she decided to follow him anyway.

It was hard, trying to hold up to her own words, but she was uneasy, had a woman's intuition as they would call it, that wherever Kaede was going wasn't good.

Turns out she was right after all.

Upon following Kaede, Rika realized that he wasn't going back home, he wasn't going to find the twins, and he wasn't going out on another mission for his father either; he was going to find that girl.

Rikki something-or-another.

Rika's face curled up into a grimace when it became evident which path Kaede was taking. He must be ambushing her, she thought at first, slipping in and out of the shadows as she kept up with Kaede's pace. That was the only possible reason why Kaede would ever find someone during the middle of the night.

But somewhere in the back of Rika's mind, she knew this wasn't the case. He could sense her following him, she was sure of that. So if he wanted to ambush her, he would've called her to get her in on it as well.

But he didn't.

That left only two other options: he was either doing this on purpose to piss her off, or he actually wanted to see that girl.

No, she thought, with a certainty that seemed to be for persuading herself. He can't be. Not with her.

Unwilling to stay and find out, Rika stopped her pursuit and stepped back into the shadows, only to walk into a large, dark room.

"Hibiki." She breathed, hands automatically reaching forward. Even with her eyes still adjusting to the darkness, she knew that her palms would hit Hibiki's chest, and that his hands would smoothly curl around her waist in return.

"Hmm? What brought you to me, Rika?" He asked, pulling her close as he brought his lips down to her neck. "Was Kaede mean to you again?"

Her hands clenched into fists then, and Rika struggled to remain calm. "I don't want to talk about him." She growled, pushing away from Hibiki just a little.

He looked up at her now, curiousity and wonder evident in his light brown eyes. "Make me forget, Hibiki." Rika murmured, distracting him and effectively changing the topic. She held his gaze and hoped that he could see the need reflected in her own chocolate orbs. "Like you always do."

Though there was a crease in the middle of his forehead, an obvious sign that he was still thinking about it, before the corners of his lips turned up into a smile. Bringing his right hand up to her face, he gently tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Of course my princess, anything for you."

Leaning in once more, Hibiki settled for a teasing kiss as he ran his lips down Rika's jaw, smothering her with kisses the entire way. He stopped right before reaching her lips though, and she hissed in response.

"What? Can't make it a little hard for you?" He chuckled, making her close that last centimeter that brought their lips together.

At first it was just a few light kisses, and Rika kept her hands on the plane of Hibiki's back as he trailed down to her neck, giving her a peck here and there as he marked her as his.

But this wasn't enough. Rika wanted more.

Fuelled by anger at Kaede and the need to just be…needed, Rika moved away from Hibiki so that as soon as he looked back up at her, she could kiss him again.

And again.

And then some more.

She kissed Hibiki aggressively and hungrily, pushing him back until they both fell onto Hibiki's bed. Her long black hair was sprawled across the blanket as she laid flat on the mattress, Hibiki looming over her.

Reaching her hands up, Rika wrapped her arms around Hibiki's neck and pulled at him, trying to bring him down as she was eager to recapture his lips once more.

But he stayed up.

Flexing his arms against the force that was trying to pull him down, Hibiki refused Rika's attempted advance, although it was obvious by the look on his face how much this was costing him.

"Are you sure about this Rika?" He asked, a hard and unfamiliar tone in his voice.

Rika narrowed her eyes at Hibiki's refusal. "What are you talking about?"

"I mean this!" He declared, giving her an once-over with his eyes and before staring at her with a pointed look. "I mean us!"

"And what about it?" Rika hissed, irritation evident in her voice. She let her hands drop, and proceeded to cover her eyes with her arms. "You want me, and since you're useful to me, I let you. Isn't that how things always are?"

Hibiki sighed, pushing himself up and off Rika into a sitting position to her right. "They are…or rather, they were, but I can't do this anymore."

"Why not?!" She shouted, her voice slipping a little to reveal the hurt that was supposed to be masked by rage. "I know you still want me…so why not?!"

"Because I can't stand seeing you like this anymore." Hibiki confessed, as he pulled up his knees to rest his arms and chin. "I don't want to see you hurt by Kaede again and again."

A dry and painful laugh came from Rika. "So you don't want to see me hurt by Kaede? Then why are you hurting me too? Why must you reject me just like he does?"

"Rika, Rika, Rika…" Hibiki crooned, turning around and placing a delicate hand on the arms that were still covering Rika's face. "I don't want you to have to constantly divide yourself between heart and soul just because you can only get comfort for one. I want you, you're right about that, but I want all of you."

The room stayed silent as Hibiki waited for Rika's response. When it became obvious that she wasn't going to ― or more likely, couldn't bring herself to ― respond to Hibiki's confession, he droned on silently, letting loose all the feelings he's kept bottled up.

"I'm always here, you know? I've always been here for you; whenever you needed me, I was ready to comfort and support you at any time." He cast a sorrowful look down at Rika, albeit she could not see it. "But you've never even looked at me. As soon as I've fulfilled my 'use' to you, you throw me away. Your eyes were always only concentrated on him, on Kaede."

"It's just how it's always been." She whispered, speaking at last, though her voice was so light it was barely audible. "I can't help myself from loving him; you know that."

"It doesn't have to be that way." He said soothingly, tracing her arm till his fingers touched hers. "You don't have to keep going through this cycle of suffering and comforting. You deserve better Rika, and we both know that."

"And you're saying that you're better?"

Hibiki sucked in a deep breath before meeting up to her challenge. "Yes. I believe that ― no, I know for a fact that ― I'm better."

Twining his fingers together with hers, he gently pulled her arm up so that he could kiss the back of her hand. "I would never hurt you like Kaede does; I would never hurt you at all. Period. I have and always will comfort you, support you, and be beside you. Other people promise their lovers to be there when they need them but I won't do that for you. You won't ever need anything in the first place…because I'm here."

"Why?" She muttered, confusion apparent in her voice as her breath caught in her throat. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because," He smiled, squeezing her hand lightly with his fingers. "I don't want to see you suffer anymore. Like I said, a girl as wonderful as you shouldn't have to put up with Kaede. You could have so much more and so much better, and I want to be the one to give that to you. I love you, Rika, more than anyone ever will."

There was another bout of silence as Rika took in Hibiki's confession, and when she finally spoke, her words came out with confirmed conviction. "But I can't do it." Rika cried, as she painstakingly removed the arm covering her face to reveal the tears that were spilling from her eyes. "I can't make Kaede love me, but I can't not love him either."

Pulling her hand free from Hibiki's, she rolled so that her body faced the wall. "And…I can't make myself love you."

She knew how mind-shattering that last line would be for him, but Rika had to say it. Even though Hibiki was making her choose like this, she owed it to him, after all he's done for her and all that they've been through together, to either choose him or break it off completely.

And break it off she did.

The pain on Hibiki's face was one that could not be put into words, and Rika seemed to know that if she saw it, then her resolve might waver. Not in giving up on Kaede, but in continuing this romance she had with Hibiki that was only for her gain. With her back to him, Rika couldn't see it when Hibiki's heart broke into a million pieces on his face, didn't notice how hard it was for him to cover it all up with a standard smile, and failed to realize how this wasn't going as he thought it would.

It took all he could to summon up enough strength to bury his hurt, and still Hibiki refused to admit defeat. "Maybe not right now, but I'll keep trying. I know I can make you love me one day."

The poker face he had on never wavered as he reached into his pocket to pull out a silver necklace with a small crow charm. Reaching over Rika's curled up body, Hibiki placed the necklace in front of her before getting up to leave. He looked back once more as he closed the door, leaving one last word hanging in the air.

"Happy Valentine's Day."
:iconshikanomoide:
A short yet bittersweet submission for :iconeverscript:'s Valentine's Day contest.

It was hard writing this one D: Not only did I challenge myself to write in third person, I also had to comb through EverScript chapters to read more about these two characters. :iconfacepalmplz:

Hence the lateness in submission.....I hope I portrayed them well enough here. I kinda strayed off the original plan for the story...but oh well, at least I managed to finish? :iconilikeitplz: I actually like the outcome too :D

YOU GO HIBIKI! PERSEVERANCE :iconthumbsupplz:

EverScript © :iconbritsmc13:

Story "Love Me" © :iconshikanomoide:

Now off to bed...t'is already 2:21 a.m where I am...AND THERE'S SCHOOL TMR :iconsadfaceplz: Let's hope I wake up...:icontearplz:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcb-productions:
~CB-Productions Jul 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hi there! I'm here for the feedback frenzy, I hope you're having fun :)

I'll go through the first part line by line, then give you my over all opinions. The piece is a bit long to go through all of it in great detail.

Ok, first I think you opened this piece by describing Rika's clothes too much. "Her arms were crossed over her chest and her black attire, complete with a small black ribbon on her head, a beautifully intricate lacy black dress, and knee-high black boots, only helped accentuate the dark cloud of menace that surrounded her."
This is an information overload, and as the reader, I would imagine something pretty close to this if you simply said "her black, gothic lolita attire".
Also, the above sentence is a run on sentence. There are way too many clauses joined together, and it doesn't really make any sense. Something like this would be a bit easier to read: "Her arms were crossed, and her black, gothic attire only accentuated the cloud of menace surrounding her." You don't have to describe her in great detail, because as soon as she is mentioned I have already begun forming a picture of what she looks like in my head.

I find it strange that she likes Kaede when she is scared of him. I think these characters would benefit from taking a course on abusive relationships and how to avoid them :P

There are also other phrases that I didn't think were worded very clearly. These include: "his arm became a blur and suddenly..." (I think 'his arm blurred' would be clearer), "the water in her eyes" (maybe say 'the building tears' instead. It sounds strange to just call it water) and "straight to the wall" (does this mean she walked through the wall, or just in the direction of the wall?)

Phew, that got a little messy! It's kind of hard to clearly put everything into a textbox. I wish I could highlight the page and write notes by the relevant sentences ^^

Overall, I'm not so sure about the POV you're writing, either. I think it would be best to go for third person favouring Rika, but at the start you slip into Kaede's point of view. Particularly in this part: "After Rika's insistence on having a "serious talk", she had dragged a reluctant Kaede to an alley with a dead end, cut off by a solid brick wall that was covered with bright colours and graffiti words. Leaning against the spray painted wall, Rika had presented her case, which was of "utmost importance" to her, but actually just a nuisance for Kaede."
If you don't keep it consistent, it's very easy to get confused.

So in essence, I think you should focus on avoiding run on sentences, and trying to keep your POV consistent.
Good luck on any future projects! I hope this was at least a bit helpful :D
Reply
:iconshikanomoide:
*Shikanomoide Jul 10, 2012  Student General Artist
Thank you for the detailed critique! :heart:

Hmm...I guess I do overdescribe sometimes D: I'll keep that in mind as I write in the future.

Haha~ yes...Rika and Kaede's relationship is quite...different. You'd have to have more background knowledge on EverScript in order to understand XD

I'll watch my wording in the future...maybe ask for someone else to edit before I post? I usually check things by myself and I guess I'm not a good editor for my own works, huh? D:

Yes...I'm still working on third person POV. It's a really difficult POV for me as I'm more used to first person, but I'll keep this in mind and try to not stray off the "main" person in the future.

Thanks again for the great feedback! It's a lot of help and I'll be sure to apply it in future works :iconilikeitplz:
Reply
:iconvegetaslittlesister:
Hello, I'm here to critique your piece! First of all, I really enjoyed this story. I am not familiar with EverScript, but I still managed to get into the story. I love the dialogue. I thought it was great how you opened the story with the "serious talk" between Rika and Kaede. I thought they would end up together, but the ending was ironic!
Reply
:iconshikanomoide:
*Shikanomoide Jul 10, 2012  Student General Artist
The ending was indeed unexpected, no? It actually differed from what I'd originally intended but as I continued writing, it kinda just...turned out this way D: I rather liked it though, and kept it as such. I'm happy you were able to enjoy this story despite not being familiar with EverScript XD Thanks so much :heart:
Reply
:iconvegetaslittlesister:
It most certainly was!
Even though I'm not familiar with EverScript, I loved the story! I think the ironic ending is what appealed to me the most. :heart:
Reply
:iconchiantyvex:
Hello!
I am making a critique of this for the :iconfeedbackfrenzy:
First of all I would want to tell that I never done something similar as literature is not "my cup of tea" lol.Not to mention that English is not my first language so is a bit hard.All of these said if I make any mistake with this critique please forgive me, I will try to express just my feelings after reading this piece.

So ...I read this piece and it was quite entertaining, the action was very spontaneous and didnt leave room for linger, things were happening really fast.It kept me focused on what I was reading and it didnt give me a chance to get bored.
I liked your characters:Rika gave me the impression that is one of the beautiful girl that live everything in a continuous movement, she is a very pasionate person that has an agressive behaviour meant to hide her fragile personality.On the inside she is just a scared little girl that doesnt want to get hurt and be loved by the other around her.One thing striked me about her.Even though she claims she loves Kaede altough you put a paragraph there that makes her afraid of Kaede :"She had never been able to hold his gaze for too long without looking away; there was always something in those deep emerald eyes that whispered at you to walk away, to run, or to hide in fear of him. She shuddered involuntarily as she looked around the dark alley. ". So for an outsider from the literature world like me this is quite confusing.She loves him but she is scarred of him?Eh?:stare:
Kaede is on the other hand in such an opposition with Kaede...cold, keeping control of his feelings in opposition with a warm, voluble Rika.But from what I could guess I think he is capable of great feelings and this is such a pain for Rika...

"That left only two other options: he was either doing this on purpose to piss her off, or he actually wanted to see that girl.
No, she thought, with a certainty that seemed to be for persuading herself. He can't be. Not with her.
"

Hibiki, the third character is the one with the strong personality that wants to make Rika fall in love with him.In the end he makes her choose which shows some very nice qualities.
Now as improvements I really can't teall you much but I have just one suggestion for this paragraph :"With her back to him, Rika couldn't see it when Hibiki's heart broke into a million pieces on his face, didn't notice how hard it was for him to cover it all up with a standard smile, and failed to realize how this wasn't going as he thought it would"
Now if I were you I would avoid using words like "abtract " in a piece like this.I am not sure that this word really suggest the idea you wanted to represent.I would've used "fainted" , "grimace" .It just didnt sound good this word you know?Makes people wonder what it is an abstract smile instead of focusing on reading the story.


Overall impact over me: I liked your piece, I loved reading it.I think it is a very interesting and appealing, interesting.Also it has raised some question marks for me and I am looking forward to read more pieces like this.
Reply
:iconshikanomoide:
*Shikanomoide Jul 10, 2012  Student General Artist
Oh haha~ yea...it'd require you to have some background knowledge on EverScript, but Rika is scared of Kaede is some ways because he's more "superior" to him...like he's stronger/on a higher level than her :)

Thank you so much for the detailed feedback! I'm glad you like it :iconloveloveplz:
Reply
:iconkarakittycat:
~KaraKittyCat Mar 6, 2012  Student General Artist
:D This is a fun little story. I love again the word choices you use when you write. I like how you can see the different personalities in the people your write about without having to explain it (Ex. Rika seems very aggressive, yet loving). Another thing I love about your writing style is that it is so detailed that you can just picture it happening as if it is a movie. Great work :D
Reply
:iconshikanomoide:
*Shikanomoide Mar 6, 2012  Student General Artist
Wow thank you! I was actually very nervous about writing this one because I generally don't write stories in third person :iconrelievedplz: I try to describe it exactly how I see it in my mind (which is, usually, in movie style) but I personally think my description regarding setting and character appearance needs more work :iconembarrasedplz:
Thanks again :heart:
Reply
:iconkarakittycat:
~KaraKittyCat Mar 7, 2012  Student General Artist
Yw :) Thats what I do too ^^
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